Pause.

At the very least.

Public venting seems to be getting more and more tiresome and useless with each passing day. It is really unnecessary unless specifically reaching out to help people, and the amount of catharsis it used to bring is no longer valid. Will be updating another, private blog from now on, for me and friends -- I'll send out email invites, and if you want to read it please send a gentle nudge.

Time to explore new worlds!

What do you do with a soul that's been blasted to smithereens?

Slide deeper into the gap, give up, give up, give up...

What if you inherited an iron will?

I can't give up, I can't give up...

Play some music, curl up and close your eyes.

(parsely, sage, rosemary and thyme)

Being in the Middle is always frustrating.

Another puzzle?

Another answer.

How much more can one soul take?

Wait for the explosion. The sky will be brilliant with colour and light.

And there will be consequences.

Maa

written in Hindi by Prasoon Joshi, used in the film Taare Zameen Par

Main Kabhi Batlata Nahin
Par Andhere Se Darta Hoon Main Maa
Yun To Main,Dikhlata Nahin
Teri Parwaah Karta Hoon Main Maa
Tujhe Sab Hain Pata, Hain Na Maa
Tujhe Sab Hain Pata, Meri Maa

Bheed Mein Yun Na Choro Mujhe
Ghar Laut Ke Bhi Aa Naa Paoon Maa
Bhej Na Itna Door Mujhko Tu
Yaad Bhi Tujhko Aa Naa Paoon Maa
Kya Itna Bura Hoon Main Maa
Kya Itna Bura Meri Maa

Jab Bhi Kabhi Papa Mujhe
Jo Zor Se Jhoola Jhulate Hain Maa
Meri Nazar Dhoondhe Tujhe
Sochu Yahi Tu Aa Ke Thaamegi Maa

Unse Main Yeh Kehta Nahin
Par Main Seham Jaata Hoon Maa
Chehre Pe Aana Deta Nahin
Dil Hi Dil Mein Ghabraata Hoon Maa
Tujhe Sab Hai Pata Hai Naa Maa
Tujhe Sab Hai Pata Meri Maa

I never say it,
But I'm scared of the dark Mom
I never show it,
But I care about you, Mom.

You know it all don't you, Mom?
You know it all...

Don't lose me in the crowds
That I can't even come back home
Don't send me so far
That even my memory can't touch you

Am I that bad Mom?

Whenever Dad pushes me high on the swing
My eyes look for you, I keep thinking
That you'll come and hold me Mom

I don't tell him, but I am afraid, Mom
I don't let it show on my face
But I am anxious, Mom

You know it all, don't you Mom?
You know it all...

List

1. I have some lovely memories of you. You were gentle and wonderful to me. I miss it all and sometimes I think it's still there. I wish I could really explain the magnitude of your effect on me. I think you know deep down inside. But sometimes I am afraid that you don't know, that life and your own choices have both pushed you so hard that you've given in, given up a long time ago, that the wonderfulness is now just a bitter lingering memory. That you're hollow.

2. I love you. You're everything to me. I appreciate so many things about you. You're a beautiful person.Why don't you see what I see? I am waiting for you to discover it and I want to show you what you are capable of doing. And when you do it, I will applaud the loudest. I love you so much. I am scared that you will die and I will mourn for you forever and never get over you. I am even more scared that I will mourn all the more for the years you didn't live. I am so scared. Please do something. I feel anchorless.

3.Hey, I wish I'd met you. I wish you could have lived. I wonder what we would have been like. Would we fight? Would we play? Would we be close? I'll never know.

4. I will never forgive you. You are an evil person. I don't even want to understand. I can't believe someone like you can exist. I don't care what screwed you up, you always had a choice. Go to hell and don't expect anything from me.

5. I don't know when you will understand that it is time to say goodbye to what we had. I would have done anything for you at one point, but now I just don't have the energy. I also think that you need me more than you want me, and I'm not looking for that. I will always be fond of you, but that's all. It's too late for anything else. I've come too far, please don't pull me back into that darkness. Pull yourself out instead, and believe me when I say you're the only one who can do it. I am your friend, and I hope one day you're healthy enough to understand this. And I hope you will always know that I once loved you with all my heart.

6. Hey, I have so many things to talk to you about, but when I talk to you it doesn't really feel like I'm getting through. I know one day I'll understand why you did what you did, but I have to be patient. I don't know how I got in here anyway. You're not what I look for anyway. Maybe I did because we're so opposite. I think you're throwing away amazing things because of deep rooted fears you can't even identify, let alone face. I feel bad for you because you're missing so much. But I've realized that it is something you need to seek and find yourself, I can't do it for you. But you shouldn't have done what you did.

7. You are such an awesome person. Your brain is all over the place, you're always trying to chase the things you believe in, live the life you want to. You are the reason I have a better life, so fundamentally, just because you gave me a chance to do what I can do well. I would never have been able to move on without your example before me. I was waiting for an opportunity to travel and work and be truly independent and people like you have always helped me move faster and faster on this path. It's taken four years but I'm getting so close. We have a lot to learn from each other. Thank you, thank you!

8. I think you are a star. Everything from your eyes to your brain is a sparkling jewel. I want you to shine. And you're also so complicated (not a bad thing!) and sometimes, disinterested in the people who care about you. I am one of those people and I've felt the bad taste more than once, I stick around 'cause I love what you stand for, whether you are a vociferous misanthrope or not. Wish you'd learn to recognize that.

9. For years I've admired you. But you are going back on your word. I have realized that my true friends will always make an effort to sort things out with me and forgive my temper, no matter how bad our rows get. I tried to talk to you about it but you snubbed me. I feel abandoned by you. I see that this is a bad time for you, and I want to be there, but I won't disturb you when you obviously don't want me around. I will never tell you this, or for that matter most people, but I cried an entire evening because you acted like such a bitch. I didn't ask you to step in to my life, then you did, and then I made the mistake of trusting you, and you skipped back out. Was it that easy? You really hurt me.

10. I am glad I met you. You're gorgeous and our senses of humour match so exactly that it's literally been the only thing that has made me laugh on days I've broken down. It's taken a while but I've come to appreciate your sincerity. I don't expect anything from you but I am glad we keep talking about meeting and know that when we do, it will be joyful. You're gorgeous.

11. You don't even deserve a place on this list. I'd have kicked your ass a long time ago but I can't be bothered. You obviously still bug me to a point otherwise I wouldn't be writing about you. Go away, scum.

12. The two of you are unbelievable. You, I'm waiting for you to come to your senses. And you, don't be such a hypocrite, you're asking for it. Also, there's a world beyond this. Wake up!

13. Don't yet know where to place you on this list. No place seems suitable. You've given me lessons that have taught me immensely. You've been around on the best and worst nights of my life. You are a legend in your own time. There's no one like you. And like you taught me to, I'll hold on to that feeling. Even when I'm gone and you're no where around. It's great to see this side of you. I understand so much more now. Keep it coming, babe!

14. Ay, awesome person. I worked hard at winning you over. I'm not gonna be losing you any time soon. You remind me so much of me earlier. I'm just waiting to witness you blossoming. I will be there for you every step of the way. Don't feel bad about the things you're feeling. They're perfectly normal and natural and I know it's scary but it will all be okay. I promise.

15. Sometimes I feel like you're that person I've told you you are. But when it comes right down to it, are you really getting what I'm saying to you? Why don't I see it sometimes? Anyway, I am so impressed by the way you are considering you had little reason to be except that you wanted to be. And that's impressive. I'm also glad for you, just wish you'd speak up more often because I know it's somewhere inside you just straining to get out. Reach out to me! I'm reaching out to you all the time! I don't care if I get hurt. Please open up. I'm waiting for you, babe. I love you.

16. You girls are each special in your own ways. I am incredibly fond of you. Incredibly so! Stop the self deprecation and explore your talents. I'm here for you if you need me at any point. I treasure your love for me, and know that you have mine.

17. Make that choice. You know you can if you want to. I hope you make it, for your sake.

18. A one off incident raised your guard against me and stopped a new friendship from growing. It's a big lesson about the nature of life. I know you're beginning to finally see it was only a one off incident. I'm glad you are.

19. Welcome back to my life, and thank you for letting me back into yours. You make me happy.

20. I'm sorry it's not as mutual as it could have been. I'm sorry.

21. Write more! Even if it's scary. It's scarier when you don't. Don't forget those lessons. Hug them close.

Sisters

I'm back after a month. There is an unbelievable amount of work to be done. I have three tests in the next five days, and lots of other pending tasks. There is much correspondence to be dealt with, and an inbox waiting for hours of my time.

However, it's about time that I do this. I've been meaning to do it for so long.





I love you both. You mean family to me. I fight with you everyday, I crib and bitch and moan about you all the time to my girlfriends. Except that you are my girlfriends, and have seen the best and worst sides of me and still stick with me. We're still as tight as possible. And today, with music and fireworks, I felt that warm glow of being around you two beautiful girls yet again. I returned with gladness in the depths of my being. You are two of the most beautiful women I know -- fiery, talented, spunky, funny, smart, compassionate. I love you so much. I can't even explain it to you. All I want you to know is that I've been expressing my love through anger and I thank you, thank you for understanding it so well.

Sarah's Words

Oblivion Speaks
by Sarah Manguso

I am not here to ruin you.
I am already in you.
I am the work you don’t do.
I am what you understand best and wordless.
I am with you in your chair and in your song.
I am what you avoid and what you stop avoiding.
I am what’s left when there is nothing left.
Love me hard, pilgrim.

__________________________________________

The Movement of a Caravan over the Landscape
by Sarah Manguso

That we rode harder into the wind,
That the story got told,
That the broken candies were eaten first,
That they were eaten last,
That all subjects grew extinct eventually,
That in the inn I ruined our lives,
That in the barn I tried to save them,
That I failed,
That per Fitzgerald the manner remains intact for some time after
the morale cracks,
That in the interregna all suffer equally,
That the languages we are born ready to speak leave us one by one,
That unless we’re actively procreating we’re acting metaphorically,
That I’ve never been to France,
That I’ve been to Ohio,
That I remember almost nothing I did there,
That it is meaningless to say I liked that,
That emotions accumulate into a few categories,
That each new one is itself plus everything like itself,
That when animals act like people we love them more,
That when they do we want them never to stop,
That we give them the names we wish we had,
That men have children and manufacture new mothers,
That I anticipate escaping my fate or not,
That I anticipate the future by never buying groceries,
That I know the flesh is incidental but keep so many photographs,
That the story gets told,
That it was the reason for these various movements.

Red

Forced to be your one and only
Your one and only one
Nursed a little artery to grow
Into a heart
You waited, you waited
You gave of yourself but
It was nothing
You waited for your one and only

Craving my voice my mirror my
Painted autumn sun dance
Waited for you to teach me
How it was done
But you gave of yourself
Too much, the perfect one
She was always the victim
Always the wronged one

Remember, remember those
Golden days when told
You were beautiful you turned
A bitter cold empty heart
To your only artery
What of it? You said,
What of it?

The perfect one,
She was always the victim
The wronged one
Gave too much of herself
And her beauty
What of it, she said
And her bitter cold heart
Watched her only artery
Turn blue and red and blue
Again

It’s turning red again,
Perfect one
On my knees I beg you
Forgive, be your one and only one
Waited for your reward your only salvation
Nothing comes of nothing
Your lesson is right here

Watch me walk away
Head high, no guilt
For being my one and only one.